
I was chitchatting with a stranger the other day in a long line at the grocery store. She was a woman in (what I’m guessing to be) her mid 50′s. In the course of our pleasantries she mentioned that she, like me, had a boy and a girl 4 years apart. She said her babies were grown now. And then her face got dark as she told me of her daughters addictions and bad decisions which have led to the worst kinds of circumstances. I, of course, expressed my sympathy because I could tell she was heartsick about this daughter of hers.
And then she said something I’ll never forget.
She said she was angry at this daughter for not doing more with her life. She was mad that she’d invested so much of her time and effort to mother this girl who has turned out so “bad”. She said “my daughter owes me more than that”.
Whoa. I was blown away. Your daughter owes you more than that?
I realize that, as mothers, we begin sacrificing for our children even before they’re conceived – taking vitamins and in some cases, hormone addling fertility drugs. And that’s, as we all know, just the beginning. But I have trouble with the mental leap that says that “my sacrifices as your mother means that you owe me”.
I have always been close to my mother, and thus, have always wanted to live a life that pleases her. I am grateful. But does gratitude and respect equate to some sort of debt that I must pay back?
My dad and I ate lunch together every Wednesday for years and years. And he always ALWAYS paid the bill. There were occasions when I tried to pay (I was, after all, a married, childless, career woman – I could afford LUNCH for crying out loud!). And then one day he stopped me in my tracks by saying “Honey, by not letting me pay, you’re denying me a blessing”. I never offered to pay again. I didn’t want to deny him the blessing.
And it’s dad’s saying that rattled through my brain when this woman said her daughter owed her. Because, wasn’t raising a daughter a blessing not matter the outcome? One you would not want to be denied? Isn’t that true of all self-sacrifice? Whether it’s waking in the night and nursing a baby even though your nipples are chapped? Or whether it’s writing that donation check even though it means your budget will be tight this month? Isn’t it the hard that makes it good. Not for the recipient, but for YOU?
I know my children are only 8 and 4 years old. And maybe when they’re grown and making terrible decisions I’ll feel personally slighted. But I hope I can remember that I would not have wanted to be denied the blessing.